Retraite: retreat from 01 to 12 July 2022

On the third day I saw no point in being there… Many sessions were dispersed by the multiple thoughts that I didn't even realize that I had left my purpose… the constancy in turning my attention to the breath left me exhausted.
That's when on the night on the third day in the video it was revealed that my life was sustained by SUFFERING. It was an addiction!! ????
That made sense to me. And something changed in me...
I feel like I got stronger… that “sufferer” in a way was no longer going to walk in so much pain because she knew it was an addiction, the feeling was not true, was a circle that kept me trapped.
I thought the next sessions would flow better...
On the sixth day, right after the third session, I decided to leave... because I only slept. My mind wouldn't let up. I was exhausted ????

It was a day that I took a shower after breakfast rs.
And decided it was my last session.
And it moves me until now because it was the only session in which my body got so hot… so hot… I felt a bit scared.
But between breathing and a space… I felt that I arrived in a distant silence.... I wasn't there!!!
I only realized when I came back... conscious. Maybe it lasted seconds.... I don't know!! But I came back happy!! In peace…
I started to see things in a different way… I don’t know
Before that I believed myself to be a Seeker of well-being... And when at night I saw the audio of the self-enquiry... I thought.... I want this!!
The COLLAPSE of all these beliefs in which I got lost and I don’t even know what else to believe or at least give me the basis for construction!!
I may just want the well-being today… but I was certainly a Seeker of Truth!!
Then my mind went crazy... But who am I?!?!
In the sixth session when I took the shower and sat in the front, I thought: - I'm going to stay together with THE GOODS… near Amma, from that other resident who strengthened me a lot to see them immobile and I couldn't follow their breath… it was a wonderful determination. Because until then I ended up going to the bottom and sleeping more than meditating.
From that session on, I didn't nap once.
But it was the only session ????
The rest was fight.
In the 8* day I decided to go away… ????
But the fact that it was almost over made me have patience...
A LITTLE LEFT... if you leave, you'll feel frustrated... (My mind spoke)
My sessions were like at the beginning... when I realized I was in thoughts since I was 8 years old... many stories remembered.
5.9 years old, imagine how much I have to remember?! ????
But when I realized ... I cut!!
But a deep gratitude awakened in me.
I wasn't going to end up crazy!! ????????
It's not just me!!
I just have to remain in meditation… because it calms my anxiety!!
I can eliminate both clonazepam and citalopram... (I wasn't using it anyway) but I was afraid of a relapse.
* I forgot to say that when I went to the session it was the first time I put my face on the floor... I prayed to God!! Since then I started doing it always!!